


Rekindled

by Deonara2012



Category: B.A.P, EXO (Band)
Genre: Crossover Pairings, M/M, Post-EXO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 23:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13775247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deonara2012/pseuds/Deonara2012
Summary: Just before Minseok went into the Army, EXO was disbanded. During his service, events happened that meant his life as he knew it was over. Moving on included sequestering himself from those who'd meant so much to him. The man he'd confessed to (and who rejected him) the last time they'd met searches him out, and slowly, with the thawing of Seoul's unexpectedly hard winters, brings him back to what he was before.





	Rekindled

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine, not true.
> 
> Many thanks to failgasm (on dreamwidth) for helping make sure I got some things right I wasn't sure about.
> 
> Also: I did not do the research the people who wear prosthetics deserve, so if I got even half of this right, it's by sheer luck. Next time, I'll do better.

If told this was the worst winter in his lifetime, Kim Minseok would believe it. The snow piled up and piled up, and the only way to get around - if one could get to a station - was the subway. Even then, only those lines that stayed underground were running. No matter how often they dug out the streets or the tracks, most of the cars and trains didn't get far before the snow trapped them again. Minseok was just glad he didn't have to deal with a car, and could work from home. Food... that was more of a problem, and heat, to some extent, but at least he didn't have to worry about anything outside of that.

Occasionally his boss insisted he come in to work. Those times he just... sort of managed, slogging through the snow. Actually, on top of the snow, with snowshoes. It took him a while to learn to use them, but he had now, and he found that it meant he could get around reasonably well. It made his life easier.

The metro was nearly empty, as it usually was near his stop at the end of the line. Many of the people who lived there had moved or had died. Due to the sheer amount of deaths to freezing or starvation, nearly everyone had an urn of ashes on his or her shelf, some more than one. Minseok didn't, but that was more pure luck than anything else. He stumped onto the train when it arrived, and sat down.

At the next stop, a group of mostly girls got on, chattering in excited tones that brought back memories. He didn't listen, didn't try to hear who they chattered about, paying more attention to his shoes and where his stop was, but he did notice when they all got off.

Someone sat down next to him - of all places, the train was practically empty - and sighed. "You'd think they'd have more things to worry about than me," a voice said, deep enough to make Minseok's toes curl.

No way. This was... there was no way. Slowly he turned to look and stared in sheer disbelief. "I'm not too surprised," he managed to get out, sounding more or less normal. "It's more fun to think about Bang YongGuk than the hell this city has become."

YongGuk laughed, softly, his famous grin stretching his lips and showing off his teeth. "Maybe," he said.

Minseok shrugged and smiled, because he had to when he saw that grin. "How are you doing?" he asked.

"Same as everyone else," YongGuk said. "Hanging in there and hoping that something changes soon. How about you?"

Minseok glanced down at his feet. "Pretty much the same. Working and keeping myself in money, if not food."

YongGuk nodded. "I heard you guys broke up," he said. "What happened?"

"It got too much," Minseok said. "I got off easy. I was going into the military soon anyway, had my date and everything. Things fell on other people's heads." Hard, too. Some of them - Sehun, Kyungsu, to name a couple - hadn't ever really recovered from it. He figured he'd come out best. "I hear you guys would still be going, if there were people to perform to."

YongGuk shrugged. "I don't know. I think... I've about hit my limit," he said. "It seems to be... I mean, something needs to change, and I'm not managing anything. I’ve done all I can as an idol."

Minseok nodded. "Possibly," he said. "It's hard for people to take musicians seriously, and it’s worse in the pop music business. But I guess, if you wanted to get some of your message out, you have a larger base than you did."

"And not all of it Korean," YongGuk agreed, and turned to look at Minseok. "Where are you working?" he asked.

"I'm in accounting, at one of the smaller companies downtown," Minseok said, and his lips twisted. "I can actually do that sort of thing, because I'm not singing."

YongGuk nodded slowly. "I understand that," he said. "Does it take you long to get to work?"

"Not really," Minseok said, and showed off his snowshoes. "These help."

YongGuk snorted. "That's smart," he said. "I'll have to look into finding some."

"Good luck," Minseok said. "It's not an easy proposition."

"No, probably not this late in the season," YongGuk said, and then regarded him seriously.

Minesok felt like he was back under the spotlight, the whole world looking at him, examining him. "What?" he asked. He started when the metro announced his stop.

"Can I have your number?"

The metro slowed. Minseok dug into his pocket and pulled out a card. "This is me," he said.

YongGuk took the card and got up, moving to let Minseok out. Minseok stumped back out to the door, got off the train, and walked up the stairs to the street.

Outside, he pulled his collar up and headed for work, carefully not thinking about his old friend and why he'd even care.

Once in the office, he changed into better shoes and went to find out why they'd wanted him to come in. It turned out to be a lovely reason: to celebrate his birthday and a chance for the office to get together and reconnect. Not exactly what he'd wanted to do with his day, but then... it wasn't a bad thing, either. Somehow it all fit, because of this reconnection at work, he met YongGuk again. So strange. So very strange.

 

YongGuk called when Minseok was on his way home, his coat pocket comfortably stuffed with cards, a bag in his hand with the rest of the cake his boss’s wife had baked and some other gifts. None of them were expensive, but they were nice, and he would enjoy them. He answered the phone, distractedly half listening for his stop.

"How did your day go?"

The deep voice curled his toes again. At least this time YongGuk couldn't see it; hopefully he couldn't see it when he'd sat on the train next to Minseok either. "It wasn't bad," Minseok said. "Not as productive as I’d like. It was more… fun."

YongGuk laughed, and Minseok grinned in spite of himself. "You sound so certain," YongGuk said.

"I'm not sure how to measure my days yet," Minseok said. "I've only been there a couple of months."

"What were you doing after your service?" YongGuk asked.

Minseok glanced up to see his stop scrolling on the marquee above the door to the next car. "Recovering," he said. "From service and from the collapse of EXO. I didn't get much of a chance to react to that. And, you know, I had to figure out what to do with myself. A few online classes helped."

"Ah, back to school?"

"Still taking a few classes," Minseok admitted, gathering his stuff as the train slowed. "I don't have a free hand and this is my stop. I'll talk to you later?"

"Probably," YongGuk said, and hung up.

Minseok tucked his phone away and stood up, following the other three people off the train.

At home, he took off the shoes, grabbed his crutch, and limped into his apartment. It took so much go in to work in this weather, which was why he tried not to. He was glad he had, today, but still....

He collapsed onto the couch and closed his eyes. Nothing made much sense any more. He couldn't even understand why YongGuk had been on the subway at the same time as he'd been. He didn't live out here; the last time he'd heard anything, the rest of B.A.P had gone into the military at the same time, and they'd all come back into the same dorm. Which he knew wasn't out here. Maybe YongGuk had come to spend time with his brother or sister, but Minseok didn't think they were this direction either. He'd known, once. He'd chosen this apartment because he didn't know anyone out here. He knew his friends from before wouldn't have any reason to come out this way. Maybe someone moved, but... He shook his head, too exhausted to even think about it. It wasn't worth the headache to figure it out. With luck, YongGuk would stop calling, and he'd never see him again.

It had hurt, in a way he didn't think would ever happen, to come so close to an idol whose dream had come true. His dream had died halfway through his service, and he hadn't tried to contact anyone when he'd finished. In fact, he'd kept quite a few people away from him. Maybe he'd made the wrong decision, but he'd made it and he lived with it now. Pity from people who didn't know him from before was bad enough. Facing it from those he'd called friends... would probably kill him. If not that, certainly make sure he never left his house again, no matter what happened.

He sighed, then got up and limped into the bedroom, too tired to think about making food. The cake would last, and nothing else was edible. He'd put it away in the morning. He changed and fell into bed. He slept almost immediately.

The next few days passed in wonderful sameness. He stayed home, had his groceries delivered - what he could have - and watched the news while he worked on the accounts for the people he was assigned. It went well, it went like it had before the trip into the office, and he settled into that sameness with a relieved sigh.

A week later, the phone rang again. Caught off guard, Minseok answered without checking the caller ID.

"Do you ever come out of there?" YongGuk asked.

"No," Minseok said. "I don't really need to. Why?"

"Because you do need to."

"How do you know that I don't ever leave?"

"Because I sit at the station and watch," YongGuk told him. "And I haven't seen you in a week."

"I work from home, and I get my groceries delivered." Sit at the station? He was LOOKING for Minseok? What in the...

"I see. So, if I were to find your address, would you let me in?"

Minseok's jaw gaped open. "What... I mean, why?" he stammered.

YongGuk chuckled. "Why not?" he asked.

"I don't know how you'll get it," Minseok said. "I mean, it's not listed for obvious reasons."

"So, tell me where you live."

Minseok thought he probably should have expected that. "I'm not much for company," he said.

"I'm not much company," YongGuk said.

Minseok didn't know why he blurted the address across the line, but he did, and then YongGuk said goodbye and hung up. Which didn't tell Minseok much about what he'd planned. Minseok sighed and went back to his computer, making sure he had everything done for the day, and shut it down. Then he went to see what he might offer a guest to drink, if nothing to eat.

It didn't surprise him to hear his doorbell ring only about ten minutes after the phone call. It would take someone like YongGuk only that long to find him. Minseok went to let him in, not at all surprised to see him.

He didn't realize his mistake in not putting his snowshoes out of sight when he saw YongGuk staring at the snowshoes, boots still attached, one of them with half a leg sticking out of it. Then YongGuk looked at him, but not - thankfully - with pity. In fact, Minseok couldn't read his expression. "Come on in," he said, and led the way into the front room. YongGuk followed, sitting where Minseok gestured him.

"What happened?" YongGuk asked.

"A land mine," Minseok said. "Half way through my service. It shouldn't have gone off, it wasn't supposed to, but..." He shrugged and pulled up his pant leg to show where his prosthesis started a few inches under his knee. "I spent a lot of time in recovering, so I guess it was a good thing EXO ended before I came back and had to explain to them all why I couldn't keep going."

YongGuk frowned. "And so... you moved out here? Why?"

"I didn't want to see them, didn't want them to know," Minseok said. "No one does, no one can, because it's just not even worth it. I don't want their pity."

"You think they'd pity you?" YongGuk asked.

"You think they wouldn't?" Minseok shot back. "EXO was my dream, or one answer for it, anyway, and I no longer have that option. Yeah, I think they would pity me. I know... I know them. And if it wasn't them, it would be SHINee, or Super Junior, or any of the other groups. I don't want that. I don't...." He swallowed the next words, feeling like they were poison. 'I don't want the reminder.'

YongGuk nodded solemnly. "Painful?"

"Not anymore," Minseok said, choosing which of two options YongGuk could be asking about. "Not so much. I spent most of the rest of my service in the hospital, letting it heal, getting things fit, working out how to get around on the prosthesis. It doesn't bother me too much anymore, either, just because I've gotten used to it."

"And being around others? Is that painful?"

Minseok shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't been."

"Except me," YongGuk said.

"Except you," Minseok agreed.

"Am I painful?"

Minseok snorted softly, half laughing. "You are never painful."

"And is my presence?"

"It was, when we met on the train," Minseok admitted. "Now? I don't know."

"You don't know?"

He couldn't tell, because that deep voice made his toes curl, even on the foot he no longer had. He'd more or less gotten used to that sensation, knowing what to do when it was cold, when it hurt. He just... didn't know what to do about this. "I don't know," Minseok repeated. "I didn't think about it until after I'd gotten to work the last time."

YongGuk laughed, but Minseok heard little mirth in it. He leaned forward and met Minseok's gaze, eyes dark and serious. "You should let them know you're okay," he said. "I know some of them are worried sick, because they know we were friends and they contacted me."

Minseok shook his head. "No. I don't even... it's one thing, with an old friend. With them, it would be practically unbearable."

YongGuk regarded him quietly. "Do you want me to come back?" he asked.

Set to say no, because he really did want to be left alone, Minseok's mouth and voice shaped "Yes."

"Why?"

"It might be painful around people," Minseok said. "It's lonely when I'm not."

YongGuk nodded. "Okay," he said. "Besides, I can help you get a callus over that hurt."

Minseok barked a laugh. "Is that even a thing?" he asked.

YongGuk shrugged. "Yes," he said. "It is." He scooted closer, eyes still piercing, and Minseok looked away. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," Minseok said.

YongGuk's fingers pressed into his chin, turning Minseok's head back to face him. "Are you okay with what happened?"

"Of cour...." Something in him shattered. "No," he whispered. "No, I'm not, and I don't... I can't face it, because I don't think I'd make it through."

YongGuk moved to sit next to Minseok and lay his arm over Minseok's shoulders. "Not alone," he said. "Going through something alone is harder than with someone."

"Without someone... when I was alone, I didn't have to go through it. I could ignore it," Minseok said, his voice shaking. He fought the tears that pressed the corners of his eyes, fought the sobs that struggled to get out like they hadn't since he'd first woken up and realized that his dream was dead. SM didn't want crippled artists. Minseok couldn't let it out, couldn't let it show how badly he wanted to fall apart, how badly he would fall apart if given the right pressure.

"You can't ignore it forever," YongGuk said softly. "It's impossible."

"I'll give it the best I've got," Minseok said, and his voice still shook.

"Or you could let me help you."

"You don't have time," Minseok said, but he could feel it all eroding, and if YongGuk continued to sit there and talk to him like this, he wouldn't be able to hide it much longer.

"I have all the time I need," YongGuk said. "More importantly, I have all the time you need."

Minseok shook his head, but then he pressed himself to YongGuk's side, head on YongGuk's shoulder, sobbing as if... well, because his heart had broken. It all came out, the pain, the fear, the hate and self hate and anger and... everything. It was safe, he felt safe and cared for (shying away from the word love because that had lost him this friendship so many years ago), and it was enough for now.

When his tears tapered off, he couldn't have moved to save his life, and he leaned on YongGuk, eyes closed. "You'd better move if you don't want me to fall asleep on you," he mumbled.

YongGuk chuckled. "I'm adept at being a pillow," he said. "I can't think of one person who hasn't fallen asleep on me at least once, and usually more than once. The only person who gets slept on more is Himchan."

"That doesn't surprise me too much," Minseok mumbled.

"Come on," YongGuk said, and carefully stood, helping Minseok to his feet and supporting him. "You'll be more comfortable in your bed."

"Probably," Minseok said, and with an effort, he pushed away from YongGuk and staggered toward his bedroom. "Thanks for stopping by," he added. "I appreciate it. I think."

"Yeah, tell me that after you wake up with swollen eyes and a headache that won't quit," YongGuk said, closer than Minseok would have thought. His hand rested on Minseok's shoulder. "Can I help you with anything?"

"Anything else?" Minseok corrected him. "No, thanks. I got it."

"If you're sure."

"I am. Thanks."

YongGuk nodded - bowed - and turned to the front door. Minseok didn't wait to see him out, staggering across the room to his bed, and face planting on it. He squirmed a little to make sure that his legs and arms and everything was on the bed, and then descended into lovely oblivion.

 

When Minseok woke up, his eyes hurt, his head pounded, and his amputated leg ached. He hated a crying hangover, which is why he tried to avoid it, and he knew better than to sleep in his prosthesis. It didn't help to have an old friend (crush) help him through it. At least he hadn't said anything stupid, right? Hadn't tried to kiss him or anything. He'd missed their friendship. Maybe now he could manage it, not seeing him in such close quarters, not seeing him in the sort of vulnerability that happened back stage, when they waited to see how this particular song would go over. He wouldn't have to see or try to hide that again. That would be okay.

He had to wonder, though, as he got up and tried to figure out what time it was and what he needed to do next to make it through the day, if it really would be enough. Yes, he needed that cry to get past what had happened, but why, exactly, had YongGuk looked him up? He'd been really nice when Minseok had hinted that he might like him, had let him down easy, so... what the heck? It didn't make any sense.

Maybe it did, but he couldn't see it because he was too close, too... much in a dream to be able to see it clearly. The worst part was, he didn't have anyone he could call up and say "you know, this happened, and I don't know what it means, if anything." He'd done that to himself.

It took him some time to get less groggy and to realize that it was the next morning, that he'd slept through dinner and needed to check in for work. He took the prosthesis off, grabbing his crutch, because he didn’t want to deal with the pain wearing the prosthesis would cause. He went into the bathroom to start his day, used to balancing at the bathroom sink. It still took him longer than he planned, sore in places he hadn’t expected. It took longer to get into the front room, leaving his prosthesis in the bedroom. He couldn’t stomach putting it on. He sat down at his computer and stared at the note sitting on his keyboard.

_Minseokie -_

_I got you something to eat and it's in the fridge. Eat breakfast, and let me know how you're feeling. Here's my cell and my email, either will get to me. I suggest you call someone closer to you so that they can help you get the rest of the way through this._

_YongGuk_

Minseok reread it a couple of times, and then got up and went to look in his fridge. There it was, his breakfast, something simple that looked good, and he pulled it out, heated it up, and ate it. If nothing else, he could call and tell YongGuk thanks.

As to the rest of his note, Minseok didn't know who he'd call. Luhan? Probably not. Tao? Even less so. JongDae, except Minseok was sure he'd start by laughing and go downhill from there. Junmyeon would probably go all leader on him and bug him to death. And... he just didn't want to deal with it. He had no idea how the others had started to deal with the loss of their own dreams or if they'd started. He didn't want them have to deal with his, too. None of them were even close to his age, it was just too... He didn't want them to get upset because he couldn't deal - and make them deal with his problems as well as their own. Lay, maybe - Yixing, actually - but even he had his own thing going, and while EXO had fallen apart, his own career had taken off.

He really didn't have anyone to talk to, no one he was willing to bother with his problems. He'd take care of them himself.

That decided, he went to find his phone, and called YongGuk. "It's Minseok," he said at YongGuk's greeting. "I have a crying hangover, and thanks so much for breakfast."

"I'm glad it helped," YongGuk said. "Did you think about everything else?"

"Yes," Minseok said. "Thanks again. I'd better get to work, or they'll think this idea of letting me work from home isn't such a good one."

YongGuk laughed and hung up, and Minseok set his phone down. Then he went to his computer, carefully folded the note and tucked it into his notebook, and logged on.

His life went on, with occasional calls from YongGuk, but even those tapered off as the weather finally broke and the music business picked up again. Minseok found he missed it, but then, he'd missed YongGuk before and it hadn't affected him much.

Summer, such that it was, meant rain and a little bit of sun, one of the wettest on record. It didn't make sense, but then, the weather hadn't made sense for a while. Nothing made sense.

With the break in the weather, and the easing of the snow, the company he worked for began requiring people to come in again. Minseok got some leeway on that, at least until the snow cleared completely, then he made the trek in to work daily, careful to keep himself less known and hopefully unrecognized.

He needn't have worried; he didn't see anyone he could have even talked to. He kept his eyes open, and it took three days before he realized that he wasn't trying to spot someone who might attack him, he was looking for YongGuk. Snorting in disgust, he sank back against the seat and buried himself in a book.

The wish to see YongGuk again didn't go away, and one evening he broke and left YongGuk a message. "Hey," he said. "Um. I just wanted to let you know things are... well, I wondered if you might have some free time. I know you're busy, and I understand if you can't come by to see me or anything, but... I... well. Let me know, one way or another. Bye."

He hung up, dropped the phone onto the couch next to him, and covered his face with his hands. Could he have been any more awkward? Probably, but then, he'd been worse than that the last time they'd talked when they were both idols. With luck, YongGuk wouldn't laugh where Minseok could hear him.

A response came by text, which Minseok realized he should have done in the first place. _I'll be there this evening, unless you have plans._

Minseok sighed, partially in relief, partially in vexation. _No plans,_ he sent back. _See you tonight._

He left work early and spent some time cleaning up his place. Not because he wanted anything to come of it (yes, he did), he just wanted to show a good face. To show that he hadn't let it all go utterly to pot. Which it had, but at least it looked better than it did the last time YongGuk had stopped by. Neater. Less mess and more lived in. It helped that he didn't work there anymore, and.... Oh, shut up, he ordered his thoughts firmly, and kept working.

The knock on the door brought him out of the bedroom, and he went over to open the door. YongGuk grinned at him, and Minseok smiled back, unable to fight it (and unwilling, if he were honest). "Hey," he said. "Come on in."

YongGuk followed him into the front room and took the same seat he'd started with the last time. "You look better," he said.

Minseok shrugged. "I do, or the apartment does?"

"Both," YongGuk said. "You look like you aren't fading away in here."

"The snow is gone and I can get around pretty easily now," Minseok said. "Work wants us in the office as much as possible."

YongGuk grinned. "I suspect so," he said. "Are you enjoying the work?"

"Enough," Minseok said. "It keeps me occupied and my brain from going crazy. At this point, that's the best thing for me. I don't have to move around much, and my brain and everything is occupied."

"Have you tried dancing at all?"

Minseok barked a mirthless laugh. "Oh, right. No," he said. "They don't have prostheses that work with that. Running, sure, anything like that, why not. Dance? Nope. I asked," he added. "They couldn't help me. And then I asked all over, and no one had apparently even thought to make something like that. Ballet, maybe, but not bboying, or anything like what we used to do."

YongGuk frowned. "You looked?"

"Yeah. While I was still in the hospital. No one said "You can't do that," they said merely that they didn't have the kind of thing that would work with the movements."

"And that's when you decided not to go back," YongGuk said.

"Yeah. Pretty much. I just couldn't... I just couldn't."

YongGuk leaned forward. "Did you call anyone?"

Minseok shook his head, breaking the eye contact with some relief. "No. They're still trying to deal, and anyone my age that I could depend on is in China and... too far removed anyway. I'm not sure they'd even pick up. The rest are so young..." He trailed off. "And before you say Junmyeon, I didn't want to add to his stress. I don't think he's quite given up being leader yet, and he doesn't need my problems on top of everyone else's. That's all."

YongGuk shook his head. "You're not going to give them the chance to decide on their own?" he asked.

Minseok laughed. "I don't want to make it worse for them. They have it hard enough. I don't want to add to the burden."

"What if it would help them?"

Minseok blinked at him. "What?"

"What if it would help them, to have something besides their own problems to think about?"

Minseok shook his head again. "I don't want their pity."

"Not pity," YongGuk said. "Help. There's a difference."

"It would just make things worse for them, to have me to worry about, too," Minseok said.

"They already worry about you," YongGuk pointed out. "Some have even called me."

"You said that. It's not--"

"They were your family, maybe even closer, considering what I know about DaeHyun that I don't know about YongNam," YongGuk interrupted. "They're worried that they haven't heard from you."

Minseok blew out his breath. "I just... I don't... I don't want it. It would hurt so badly, that they can do what they want, even if they don't have a way to do it now. I can't, and it hurts, and I don't want the reminder."

YongGuk nodded slowly. "I can accept that," he said softly, and reached across to take Minseok's hand. "How can we make it not hurt?"

"I don't know," Minseok said. "That's why I ended up here. I couldn't figure it out, and just talking on the phone to Baekhyun and Kyungsu was enough to send me into a funk for days."

YongGuk squeezed his hand and let go, sitting up again. "You said it hurt the first time we met again," he said. "What about the last time?"

Minseok shook his head. "No," he said. "I missed you, though. I found myself looking to see if you were around when I went into the office, even though I knew if I was going in, so were you. That's why I called."

"You got lonely. So... why am I different than they are?"

Minseok bit his lip before blurting out what came to his tongue first. "I think, because you're not formerly of EXO," he said after a moment's thought. "You don't sing, much, you don't dance. You're a rapper and an activist, something so different from me. Probably because you aren't as close as - or closer than - family."

YongGuk leaned back. "Is that all?" he asked.

"Yes," Minseok said. All that I'm willing to tell you.

It surprised him to see disappointment flash across YongGuk's face for just an instant. "Okay," he said, and smiled, but it wasn't the same gummy smile. Minseok still smiled back. "Now we figure out how to make it less hard for you."

Minseok shook his head. "I don't know," he said.

YongGuk straightened. "I might," he said. "It might be hard, but it could work,"

"What?" Minseok asked warily. He wasn't sure what to make of the light in YongGuk's eyes.

"Come to TS and spend an hour with us," YongGuk said.

Minseok stared at him. "You want me to go...."

"It's nowhere near SM, it's not even like SM, I suspect. No one there is close to you except me. The atmosphere might even do you good," he added. "Even if it's to dust off your rusty pipes and sing."

"With your two?" Minseok scoffed. "Not likely."

YongGuk laughed. "I won't tell them you said that if you don't," he said. "It'll be easy, and you don't even have to stay that long. Just come and see if that hurts as much as being around EXO, or might be around them."

Minseok stared at him. "Why?" he asked.

YongGuk shrugged. "I worry about you," he said. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes," Minseok said, before thinking about it. "Yes, we are."

"Good. What time do you get off?"

They worked out the schedule much faster than Minseok really wanted, and then YongGuk had to go and let himself out. Minseok watched him, then looked down at his phone, at the appointment on his calendar, and wondered if he'd lost his mind. No, not true. He knew he'd lost it the minute he'd realized he was looking for YongGuk on the train.

Still, he couldn't deny that the idea of going to see YongGuk work excited him. He liked being in the atmosphere, but he didn't have the skills or the experience to actually work in the business. No matter how much he wanted to.

He turned his phone off and leaned back in the couch, going over the visit. The disappointment that crossed YongGuk's face made him curious. He knew better than to ask, no matter how curious it made him.

 

The receptionist at TSE handed over the visitor's badge without hesitation. "Bang said you'd be here," she said. "Here's how to find them." She gave Minseok the instructions, written down - typed, actually - and set him straight toward the elevator. He bowed and thanked her, and went the way she directed. No one looked at him twice - the visitor's badge seemed to make him practically invisible, which he didn't mind at all - as he made his way down the hall on the fourth floor, watching for the right room number. He reached it, started to knock, and stopped.

Was he completely out of his mind? Oh, wait, he'd already answered that. Yes, he was. With a shrug, since he'd already admitted to being less than sane, he knocked twice and opened the door.

Music blared, which he'd expected, so he slipped in and closed the door behind him. He watched from there, not moving, as B.A.P went through their routine. They looked good, at least until JongUp did something that made them all fall apart, laughing and smacking him in the arm, back, and chest.

YongGuk caught sight of Minseok and grinned at him. "I'm glad you could make it," he said, extracting himself from the rest of the group to meet Minseok at the door. "Everything go okay?"

Minseok nodded, not sure how to deal with the storm of emotions. He could see how much this group got along, how much fun they had, and he missed that, he missed it so much that it nearly made him sick.

"Come sit down," YongGuk said, and took his arm to help him to a chair sitting against the wall too far from the door for him to be able to sneak out. "You look... pale."

"This was a mistake," Minseok whispered, but he didn't have the strength to resist, following YongGuk. 

"You can leave as soon as you feel up to it," YongGuk said.

“I shouldn’t have come,” Minseok told him, his voice barely working.

They reached the chair and he sank into it, glad he’d managed to reach it without falling. “I hope you don’t go too soon,” YongGuk said, his voice low and intimate. Minseok looked at him and got caught by YongGuk’s soulful brown eyes he knew he couldn’t resist. He nodded, and YongGuk smiled. He squeezed Minseok’s shoulder and went to gather the rest up again.

Minseok slumped and barely kept from covering his face. He didn’t look at them, taking deep breaths to pull himself together. He’d done it so many times since before he’d become a trainee at SM it had become habit. He’d come this far, and he wanted to watch them practice. Finally, he felt able to look up.

More than one of them shot Minseok curious glances, but didn't do more than that, falling into place like the veterans they were, even with YoungJae and Zelo laughing at each other. JongUp grinned like he'd messed up on purpose, a smug, self satisfied look on his face that somehow didn't look mean. Who knew how he pulled that off. Himchan watched him slightly less than YongGuk, which said something, because YongGuk almost seemed unable to look away. Minseok slowly straightened, watching them work, remembering what it was like, and wished... if he could just wish hard enough, maybe it would all undo itself and he could go back to EXO and forget this timeline ever happened.

At the end of the song, he managed a smile and some applause because they'd done well, and that broke the impasse. Instead of staring at him from the middle of the room, they bombarded him. He stared up at them, eyes wide, until YongGuk laughed. "Minseok, this is B.A.P," he said, and introduced them all. Minseok nodded to them as YongGuk said their names. "Guys," he added, "this is Kim Minseok, a friend of mine."

"Like we don't know who that is," DaeHyun muttered under his breath, and winked at Minseok. Minseok smiled back at him.

Himchan smacked him on the back of the head. "Mind your manners," he said when DaeHyun glared at him. "You've never been introduced before."

DaeHyun rolled his eyes and subsided.

"He's here to spend time with us," YongGuk when on. "Rude questions will not be tolerated, and he gets to tell us what that means." He glanced at Minseok. "Unless any question is a rude one," he added.

"No, questions are fine," Minseok said. "As long as I can reserve the right to not answer one."

"You can always tell them to go to hell," Himchan said cheerfully.

YongGuk laughed. "Okay, drink and then back to work."

They scattered, all of them, except YongGuk, who patted his arm. "You look better," he said.

"I don't think I would collapse if I walked across the floor this time," Minseok said, and sighed. "I still don't think this was a good idea."

"You can leave now," YongGuk said. "I just hope you don't."

Minseok looked up at him, brows furrowed. He almost asked why not, but lost his nerve at the last minute and said nothing. YongGuk smiled and turned away.

Yes, it still hurt, Minseok considered as he watched them get back into formation for their latest song, expressions practiced as much as the steps, no matter how much he could see that some of them wanted to laugh. They loved doing this, loved having this time together, and he could see it. And how he missed it. He couldn't do anything about it, even though he'd wanted to get his life together and go back into the practice room, he couldn't, and he knew it. He'd tried, even though he hadn't told YongGuk that; not only had he researched it, he'd tried a couple of times with the prosthesis they'd given him. It had hurt, possibly because it had been too early to try, and his leg - the fake one - had given out on him before he'd done more than a couple of steps. He'd lay there on the floor the first time and sobbed, and then again the second and third time. After that, he’d quit trying.

So he couldn't dance, and he didn't even want to try to sing, to be honest. Not that he could do anything about it, even if he could sing, but still. He shook his head, ridding himself of the thoughts, and went back to watching B.A.P work their way through the song and a couple of others. He wanted to protest that it wasn't fair, but there was no point to that; he knew it, and they knew it, and it really didn't matter.

The problem was, maybe, that he hadn't found a dream to replace the one he'd lost. Worse, he didn't know where to look. That made this all the more difficult, watching their practice collapse again, this time with blows aimed at Zelo. He avoided them, though, and didn't even seem to mind that he had a couple of them chasing him around the room for a while.

This time, Himchan approached him and leaned against the wall next to him, sliding down it until he sat on the floor next to Minseok's chair. "I’m glad he found you," Himchan said. "We wondered if he would."

Minseok shrugged. "I don't know why he bothered," he said.

"You're friends," Himchan said, and leaned his head back against the mirror. "He treasures his friends."

"In this business, it's the best thing you can do," Minseok said.

"Even outside of this business, it's the best thing you can do," Himchan told him. "How are you holding up?"

Minseok glanced at him, and then shrugged again. "I wake up in the morning, and I'm grateful for that," he said.

"What are you doing...." Himchan trailed off when shouts sounded through the room, something going on between JongUp and Zelo, both of whom were smiling so broadly it had to be friendly, whatever it was.

"Does this happen often?" Minseok asked, grateful for the break in questions.

"Yes," Himchan said, sounding resigned. "A daily occurrence, sometimes more than that. They're just... young."

"Make you feel old?" Minseok asked.

"Sometimes," Himchan admitted. "Sometimes, they keep me from feeling old. Then someone calls me umma, usually DaeHyun, and I get to kill him if I can catch him."

"Have you yet?"

Himchan grinned at him. "Caught him? Yes. But he pleads for his life so prettily that I tend to let him go. I figure one day I'll teach him a lesson and he'll stop trying to drive me nuts."

"Fat chance," YoungJae said, leaning against the wall over Himchan's head. "You need a 2X4, and multiple applications."

Minseok laughed. "Probably. I think you'll also find that there aren't enough applications to keep him from bugging you."

"You sound like you have experience with this," YoungJae said, crouching down to join them. "What did you do?"

"Finally turned to ignoring him. That worked only marginally better," Minseok said.

"How marginally?" YoungJae asked.

"Not enough to really be worth it," Minseok said. "Too much effort on my part, and then he doubled his to make sure I reacted." He frowned. "I didn't actually try reacting to him to see if it got not fun for him, so I don’t know if that would work."

"Probably not," YoungJae said, and sighed. "I'll kill him after we all retire."

"Not planning on it soon, are you?" Minseok asked.

"No," YoungJae said, with a glance at Himchan. "Not... really."

Minseok didn't ask further, certain they didn't want to touch it. Especially if YongGuk hadn't talked to them what he'd talked to Minseok about. "Good," he said. "It's kind of hard to know what to do with yourself."

Himchan nodded. "I bet it is," he said, but then YongGuk called them, once again saving Minseok from a conversation direction he'd actually tried to avoid and had somehow brought it back. He rolled his eyes at himself, shifted to get a little more comfortable, and watched.

They worked hard. Less chaos, for the most part, but then they had half of what EXO had started out with. It was a familiar chaos, considering how they'd worked in the sub groups at first, sort of.

He closed his eyes and lay his head back, resting it on the mirror. It wasn't so bad here, wasn't so bad talking to them. They were strangers, going through the same type of experience that he had, and he could see the bonds of friendship and shared experience between them, almost physically pulsing in bright colors. He opened his eyes again, and then, after a few minutes, got to his feet.

The group in the middle of the floor froze, turning to look at him. "I... I need to go," he said, and bowed. "Thank you for having me."

YongGuk walked him to the door, the other five talking among themselves and not staring at him. He hoped. At the door he stopped and turned to look at them; they weren't watching him. In fact, Himchan and YoungJae stood very close together, as if sharing a secret, although neither of them spoke.

Minseok knew that closeness, knew what it meant, and turned away. He glanced at YongGuk. "Thanks for having me," he said.

YongGuk nodded at hem. "You're welcome. I'm glad you came. I hope you come back."

Minseok shook his head. "I don't know how soon," he said, and dropped his voice. "It was painful to watch you."

"I thought it might be," YongGuk said. "I still hope it helped."

"I'll let you know," Minseok said.

YongGuk bowed to him, and Minseok bowed back before leaving and heading back up to the front door. He signed out and went to catch a taxi for home.

None of it made sense, and he just didn't try to think about it as he walked up to his own door and let himself in. He shed his shoes, went to the couch, and collapsed on it, surprised to find he was already crying. Unwilling to try to make himself stop, he let it happen, mourning for the friendships he'd lost, and the dream that had shattered when the land mine had gone off.

He finally got up and went to get in bed, crawling in and curling around his pillow to try to stave off the loneliness that crashed in on him as well. Sometimes he wondered why he even tried.

 

The weekend seemed to take no time at all because he spent most of it in bed. He’d at least managed to remove his prosthesis before falling asleep that first night. He just didn't have the strength or will to get out, and he didn't care. He got up early Monday morning, taking extra care to make sure he didn't look like he had a hangover, and then went in to work.

It was nice, honestly, to have no one to talk to, to sit in his cubicle and do his work and not worry about people trying to talk to him, not worry about having to pretend he was something or someone he wasn't. At lunch, he called YongGuk and left a message. "It's me. I'm doing fine, back to work, feeling better. Not sure I'll come and see you there again, but you're welcome at my place any time I'm there."

He hung up and sighed. Still awkward, but not too bad, at least. He'd sounded sane and professional. Maybe sounding professional made him insane? He didn't know. He didn't care.

Only he really did care, but he let it go and went to get his lunch from the fridge so he could eat.

 _Glad you're okay,_ came the text later that afternoon. _Don't know when I can, but I'll see you when I see you._

 _Good luck with your promotions,_ Minseok sent, and went back to his work.

It numbed his mind, thankfully, still raw from watching B.A.P and having all those feelings come up. Maybe he'd change his mind, but he didn't think so. It had hurt more than he'd expected, and it had only gotten worse when he'd gotten home. No way did he want to call anyone from EXO, not with that hanging over him. It made no sense to inflict that on them. Any of them.

The summer slunk by, wet and cooler than usual. Minseok found himself tuning into the music programs as soon as B.A.P's single hit the air, and he watched them, smiling at the sheer... exuberance they showed. All of them. Except he knew he only watched YongGuk - he usually only did - because... well, because. Because YongGuk was his friend. Yeah. That was it.

He rolled his eyes at himself and reached for the remote to change the channel when he heard the announcement that came next. SHINee were finishing a promotion, which he hadn't realized. He still would have changed it, except they had a guest singer.

JongDae.

The remote fell from his hand and he scrambled for it, unable to take his eyes off the TV. He didn't find it soon enough to change the channel before the song started, before JongDae - Chen, they'd still called him - had started to sing. His fingers cramped trying to change the channel, and he sat there in agony until his friend stopped and the rest of the group came in, and then he could change it.

Railing that it wasn't fair was stupid, but he let himself think it for a while, anyway. It was fair, because he'd taken himself out of that possibility, and he knew the close relationship JongDae had had with JongHyun. That made him an excellent candidate to sing on this anniversary: Five years since his death, fourteen since they’d debuted. Minseok had never gotten close to any of them like Jongdae had, and that didn’t matter anyway.

He flipped through some channels, then shut the TV off, sent YongGuk a text saying something about how good they looked, and went to bed.

In his dreams, he sang, his voice clear and easy, the song effortless, a solo that he'd loved since he was little. The crowd booed, because he couldn't dance, couldn't move, like his feet were encased in cement, stuck and unable to even step from where he stood.

He woke up with a scream in his throat, his phone buzzing because someone had texted him. He picked it up and looked at it. _Thanks,_ YongGuk had sent him. _Did you see the whole show?_

Blurrily, he checked the time and groaned at the way-too-early hour. Ugh, so much for sleep. Was YongGuk still up? He dropped his phone onto the bed and rubbed his eyes, closing them against the bright light. The next he knew, his alarm went off to wake him up that morning. He rubbed his eyes again, sat up, and sent a return text. _No. Did see a little bit of Shinee,_ he said, and got up to go shower and get ready for work.

 _JongDae said hi. I didn't tell him I knew where you were. He just asked me to pass it on if I saw you._ The text came midmorning.

Minseok sighed and bent his head over a particularly messy bit of accounting, forcing his mind to deal with that instead of someone no longer part of his life. He wondered why he'd actually ever let YongGuk back in. It would have been better to make a definite break, stop trying to straddle the line between his life now and the one before.

The thought of trying to break it off now, though, made his heart sink in his chest so fast it felt like he sat on a roller coaster at Lotte World. He couldn't breathe for a moment. That was, apparently, completely out.

So how to deal with the rest? To be honest, he knew he could keep the two separate. YongGuk wouldn't be around much, and they were just friends. At least it wouldn't get any closer than the friendship they had now, nothing like what he'd seen with Himchan and YoungJae. And that, he decided, was just fine. He didn't need that to be happy. And he could avoid - not that he wasn't now - JongDae. That was easy. He didn't have to go anywhere near anything remotely musical.

That decided, he felt his heart settle back into place, and he sat down on the couch to relax for a moment. That meant he didn't have to worry about anything, and he could definitely say no to any invitation YongGuk offered him. No matter what it was. Minseok could handle being lonely. He'd been that most of his life. And it felt like a nice, comfy sweater. He liked sweaters.

The weeks flew by. Minseok didn't watch any more of the music shows, deciding that would just dig up hurt he wanted left alone. He did text YongGuk, asking how he felt about the performances, and YongGuk never once asked him why he didn't watch himself. Maybe he didn't realize. Minseok wouldn't count on that. Their conversations were sporadic and took days to complete. Minseok didn't mind. He just wanted things to be even. To be... not fair, but not so up and down. Steady. Even keel. That sort of feeling. Maybe it was impossible, but he would try, anyway.

The distraction of his visit to TS and the music show didn't last long enough to disrupt his work, or if it did, no one noticed. It was just that sort of thing that he liked - no one dealing with his personal life. That had made SM hard, and probably why he guarded his privacy so zealously now. He hadn't had any then. There had been no difference between his personal and professional life. And now, they were so sharply defined that they didn't cross. He liked it that way.

He kept thinking that until the promotions ended, and suddenly, YongGuk was at his door again, dragging him out and about, never anywhere he could or even might meet JongDae or anyone else, just... out of his apartment. Even that wouldn't last long, between the cooling fall (already?) and the new promotions coming up. Things would relax a little.

"Himchan said you saw them," YongGuk said one afternoon, sequestered in Minseok's apartment with popcorn and a movie they'd both seen a million times.

"Saw them?" Minseok asked, brow furrowed.

"When you came to see us, at TS."

Minseok frowned. "I don't know exactly what...." The image, of how close Himchan and YoungJae had stood when he left their practice room, flashed into his mind. "Oh. Himchan and YoungJae?" he asked.

YongGuk nodded. "Yes," he said. "Them."

"I did," Minseok said. "I saw all of them."

YongGuk shook his head. "Yes, you did, but Himchan told me to find out if you know what it means."

"What...." Minseok gave up. "They're dating, aren't they."

"Not officially. I don’t know how to define their relationship. I don’t know why they aren’t dating," YongGuk said. "It's been... eye-opening to have them around like that. The others have been pretty understanding, too. I just..." He shrugged and trailed off.

"You just?" Minseok asked.

YongGuk sighed. "Sometimes I get lonely."

Minseok grabbed his drink and held it up to YongGuk. "Here's to us," he said.

YongGuk picked up his drink and raised it as well. "To us," he said. "May we not fall into a pit and die."

Minseok laughed, and then swallowed his drink. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

YongGuk looked at him, then took a drink and set his glass down. "You don't sound so sure of that," he said.

Minseok shrugged. "I'm not sure of anything," he said. "Not a single thing." He shook his head. "Actually, I had a question."

"Okay, shoot," YongGuk said.

"How are Himchan and YoungJae eye-opening?"

YongGuk leaned back and clasped his hands behind his head. "Because... they're friends," he said, stammering a little, and he looked up. "Which is the best place to start, of course. And they're close. The kind of close that means they can rely on each other completely, and they have someone to talk to when they need it."

Minseok nodded. "I see how that could work," he said. "So how is that so eye-opening?"

YongGuk sighed. "It's... I don't know, I want something like that," he said.

Minseok nodded, thinking he needed more to drink before they had this conversation. Lots more to drink. "I can certainly understand that," he said.

"Do you?" YongGuk asked, and leaned forward, his hands falling to his lap. "Do you really get it?"

"Yes," Minseok said. "Most people do want that."

YongGuk didn't back up, although Minseok did want him to. "Do you?" YongGuk asked. "Want that, I mean."

"Yes," Minseok said. "I just don't think it's in my stars."

YongGuk lifted an eyebrow. "Your stars?" he asked, sounding incredulous.

Minseok laughed shortly. "My fate. My destiny, whatever it is. It's just not... I've made decisions that lead me away from that."

YongGuk frowned. "And you don't think you can undo them?"

"I'm not a computer program," Minseok said, amused. "I don't think... No, that's not right. I don't want to go back and do them differently. I think this is better."

"You really think it's better to be lonely?" YongGuk asked.

"It's less painful," Minseok said. "What's better than that?"

YongGuk leaned closer. "You can't really believe that," he said.

"Why not?"

YongGuk sighed. "Because it's not true," he said.

"I don't have...." Minseok stopped, took a deep breath, and tried again, with less heat in his words. "Who would I get that close to?" he asked after a minute. "I'm not that close with anyone else who's not a former idol, and no one else is going to understand me. How is that going to be not painful?"

YongGuk nodded. "What about current idols?" he asked.

Minseok laughed. "So far you're the only one I'm currently in touch with," he said. "I'm not sure I want to get close to any of the other idols I used to know, either."

"Why not?" YongGuk asked.

"Too much of a reminder of what I used to be." Minseok said. "Too much... I can't do it. It was so hard to watch you guys, and I can't even imagine how it would be to hang around others I knew."

"Those you used to hang around with, or those you used to work with?" YongGuk said.

"Anyone at SM," Minseok admitted. "I can't... I just can't. I know some have left, and some have gone on with their lives, and I will. Eventually. I just... don't have a new dream yet."

YongGuk nodded. "All of your dreams centered around music?"

"Around debut, around continued performing, around... well, they all turned into EXO, and it's not there. Even if I were still whole bodied, there would be hope. It was like... I had lost that part of my dream because of the end of the group, and then the universe opted to remove the rest of the dream all together, without giving me another option. It's..." He laughed, mirthless. "It's like trying to live without a limb."

YongGuk leaned closer, eyes dark and intense. "You've learned to live without a limb," he said.

"Yes. It's obvious, it's something people can see, it's what is accepted. The rest? People walk around full bodied and half spirited, and they've learned to hide it so they can survive. I haven't learned that, yet. It's not... I don't know. It's so maddening to know that nothing is going to change and nothing will get better, and I'm going to feel like...." He shook his head. "Like the loss of my foot is merely a symbol for what happened before I lost it. And there's no way, no prosthesis that will help me with it, ever. They don't know how to make prosthetic dreams."

"You aren't really giving up," YongGuk said.

"I don't know," Minseok said. "I think, maybe I'm just hiding right now. It's all so painful, like..." He laughed again. "It's funny, how it seems like the only comparison I have is the loss of a leg or an arm, and I'm just...." He shook his head. "I can't. It hurts so much. It took months before I could stand the prosthesis for more than a couple of hours. It has to heal, and I'm not sure I haven't been ripping the wound open on accident."

"How?"

"Hanging around with you," Minseok said. "I don't want to stop, but... no." He stopped and shook his head. "Hanging around with you hasn't done it. The first time was harder than I thought, but it's been nice, honestly. It was seeing B.A.P, all of you together and so happy. That made me realize that I'm not as recovered as I thought. I guess I just need more time."

YongGuk straightened, finally drawing back. "Okay," he said. "That makes sense. How much time?"

Minseok shrugged. "As much time as I need," he said. "I don't know."

YongGuk laughed softly, the deepness going right through Minseok's heart. "I know that," he said. "I'm sorry. I'm impatient. I'll stop pushing you, because you don't need it." He reached out and patted Minseok's arm. "Take the time you need. That's all that matters."

Minseok nodded. "Thanks," he said, and even managed a smile. He didn't know if it looked as fake as it felt, but he didn't try to make it better.

"Let me know if you would rather I didn't come around as much," YongGuk said. "I don't want to make it harder for you."

Minseok regarded him for a moment, trying to read him. "I... thank you," he said. "I'll keep that in mind."

He didn't see any evidence of disappointment in YongGuk's face, and he started to feel hope that maybe there could be something. He stomped on it, because it was stupid. YongGuk said he wasn't interested.

The rest of the evening passed without further discussion, and Minseok closed the door behind YongGuk, then leaned against the wall with a sigh. So much to do, so much... it was just such a mess. He didn't actually care all that much anymore.

At least, he wished he didn't. That would be much better. Easier on his mind, on his heart, on his life. He just didn't want to care, didn't want to even think about living. About anything. With an unamused snort, he pushed away from the door and went to bed, firmly thinking about nothing at all.

 

The next winter came in as rough as the last one had, only to find Seoul much more prepared. Minseok still needed and used his snowshoes, but he wasn't so much of a oddity this time. It made him happy and a little frustrated. However, he also found it meant that he could stay home. That made him happy in a way that didn't make any sense.

What really surprised him was the letter he got in late September from SM Entertainment, from EXO’s old manager. He stared at the familiar writing a long time before he managed to get the envelope open. When he did, he found a collection of small notes, all of them wishing him happy Chuseok. He sat down on the couch, looking them all over, not even really reading the words, but the handwriting, all so familiar, brought up feelings and hopes and pain he hadn't actually thought about in a much too long a time.

He hadn't moved much when YongGuk called, and he answered automatically. "Yeah?"

"You're not much there, are you," YongGuk said, and in spite of his distraction, Minseok's toes curled. On both feet again.

"No, I'm not, sorry. I got a letter today, forwarded from the company. I didn't think they knew where I was living."

"What does it say?" YongGuk sounded like he walked somewhere - obvious only because of the effort it took to walk with snowshoes.

"It's... a bunch of notes saying happy Chuseok," Minseok said.

"From?" YongGuk prompted when he didn't go on.

"EXO. All of them, I think. I haven't actually read them yet."

"Why not?"

"I was surprised at how painful just seeing the handwriting is," Minseok said. "I'm letting that sort of work. I'll read the words later."

YongGuk didn't say anything for a while. "Are you up for company?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. How close are you?"

"Almost at the front door. Want me to grab something?"

"No, I've got plenty here. If you want something specific, you might want to grab that."

"I'll be there shortly. See you." He hung up.

Minseok didn't move for a moment, still looking at the wealth in his hands, before gathering them all together on the coffee table and getting up to open the door so YongGuk could come in. He started in surprise when he found himself face to face with YongGuk. "You weren't kidding," he said. "Come on in."

YongGuk shed his snowshoes and propped them up against the shelf next to Minseok's, and followed him into the front room. "How are you feeling?"

"Strangely fragile," Minseok said. "I'm... afraid to read them."

"What are you afraid of?" YongGuk asked, sitting next to Minseok in the couch this time, instead of across from him.

"What they say."

"Good or bad?"

"Either. Both. I'm just scared."

YongGuk nodded. "Can I get you something to drink, maybe something alcoholic?"

Minseok shook his head. "No. I don't have anything strong enough to make it worth drinking, or near the amount needed to get me drunk enough to feel less fragile." He sighed. "I wouldn't anyway," he said. "Would you just... sit here and let me read them so I'm not on my own?"

"Of course," YongGuk said.

Minseok nodded his thanks, and they sat shoulder to shoulder as he opened the first note.

None of them were as hostile as he'd expected, none of them vilifying him. They all asked about him, and Kyungsu and Baekhyun apologized for not writing the year before. By the time he'd gotten through all of them - including Sehun's which included a hand drawn picture of him sticking his tongue out at Minseok - he could breathe again, and he felt like his world wouldn't shatter.

"They even managed to get some messages from Tao, Kris, and Luhan," Minseok said. "I bet that was Yixing. I'm sure he's still got connections there."

"Your Chinese members?"

"Yeah," Minseok said. "Luhan was my best friend. I helped him work out that he really wanted to leave. I was sorry to see him go, but I understood why he did."

YongGuk nodded. "Same problems as with Super Junior and Hankyung?"

"No. I think SM realized how much damage they did to Super Junior - the people in it, not so much the group - when they acted that way with them. They eased off with our three."

YongGuk didn't respond for a long time, and Minseok shuffled through the notes again, rereading them, looking for... he didn't even know what. He sort of gasped. "I think they had to get help from Yixing to get the Korean right," he added, laying out Tao and Luhan's notes. "It's been so long, and I think they must have forgotten a little."

YongGuk nodded. "I can imagine," he said.

Minseok shook his head, shuffling those two back in, rereading, finding... something in him shift. "Maybe I was wrong," he mused after a while. "I think I didn't... I mean, maybe I shouldn't have shut them out like that."

"Do you think they'll understand?" YongGuk asked.

Minseok lifted his letters. "If these are true, then yes," he said.

"You don't think they are?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Are you thinking about looking them up?"

"I'm... yeah, I am," Minseok said, surprised. "Maybe the scar is there so that it won't rip open again when I see them." His voice trembled a little.

"They'll help you heal it, if it does," YongGuk said.

"I hope so," Minseok said. "It's one of those things that I can't... I don't know what might happen. It's hard to know what will happen. I wish...." He fell silent.

"Yeah," YongGuk said, like he knew what Minseok was going to say, and maybe he did.

Minseok stretched his shoulders, trying to ease them, and let out his breath in a sigh. "Thank you," he said, turning to look at YongGuk. "I appreciate you being here for me."

YongGuk smiled. "Any time," he said. "With the caveat that I may not be able to next time."

Minseok laughed. "Yeah, I know."

YongGuk grinned. "Thanks for understanding."

Minseok grinned back at him. "It's the best I can do," he said.

YongGuk looked for a moment like he wanted to say something, and then laughed when Minseok's stomach growled. "You sound hungry," he said.

Minseok felt his cheeks heat up. "I... opened this before lunch, and I haven't been able to think about much of anything since then," he admitted. "Want to order in?"

"That sounds good," YongGuk said, and heaved himself off the couch. "Anything specific?"

"Fast?" Minseok said.

"I'll take care of it. You put those somewhere safe."

Minseok nodded and got to his feet, going to the kitchen for his notebook. It had become something of a scrapbook, recording things important to him from the time he debuted. It included the notice of his inclusion with EXO, the announcement of the subgroup CXB, and every letter he'd ever gotten from YongGuk, as well as a couple of announcements about B.A.P - their argument with TS, YongGuk's break during the Skydive promotions and his return, Jonghyun’s death - and a few notes from various members of EXO and his friends. He'd put them in with glue later, but for now, he tucked them in, each on their own page to make sure he didn't lose any of them.

He'd just finished when he realized YongGuk had sat next to him. "What's that?" he asked. Minseok nearly slammed it shut, not wanting him to see the note about the breakfast he'd made the night Minseok had wound up crying on his shoulder.

"It's... my scrapbook," Minseok said, setting it to the side. "I keep all the important things in it. Like... the notice I was in EXO, any awards we got, things like that. I'll glue these in later."

YongGuk smiled. "That's a brilliant idea," he said. "You have everything in there?"

"Almost," Minseok said. "Pictures and some newspapers, things like that. It's getting full, but it's for my idol days, and the people I knew at that time. Other Idols, I mean."

"Not just EXO?"

"No," Minseok said. "Although it is mostly EXO. That was my life for that time. But it's not everything about them, either. Just... things that were... or, things I was involved in. A couple about Luhan, Kris, and Tao leaving. Things like that."

YongGuk nodded. "That makes sense."

"I got the idea from Victoria, actually," Minseok said, rambling now. "She suggested it when I was still a trainee. She had one like it, although most of hers was translated into Mandarin as well. She said even Amber had one, which sort of bowled us all over. I decided I wanted it, too."

"It's a good idea," YongGuk said. "I'm glad you've got it. Have you looked at it lately?"

Minseok shook his head. "No. I might now, though, maybe when I glue these in." He patted it, and then looked at YongGuk. "How much do I owe you?"

"My treat," YongGuk said, and held up a hand to forestall Minseok's protest. "I insist."

Minseok smiled. "Thank you," he said.

Dinner went well, quiet and calm and just what Minseok needed to back away from the thoughts that made him feel like he'd break. It helped to that dinner included a couple of bottles of Soju, one of which they didn't touch. "For when you really need it," YongGuk said, storing it away in the cupboard.

Minseok couldn't even protest. He thought maybe he should, but the words wouldn't come out. With luck, he wouldn't end up drunk-calling YongGuk at some time that would embarrass them both. He'd have to make sure he hid his phone if he started drinking.

That evening, after YongGuk had left, he started at the beginning of his notebook, reading everything. Most of it he had memorized, he'd read it so much, but he read it anyway, carefully, trying to keep his emotions in check.

It didn't work, of course, and by the time he reached the notice of EXO's dissolution, he was in tears. Not driven to drink, thankfully, but still. And the letters he'd gotten that day didn't help, made it worse. He opted to wait to glue them in when he could actually see. Getting to his feet, he went into the bedroom, changed into pajamas, took off his prosthesis, and collapsed into bed. He didn't even care that he'd have a crying hangover this time.

When he woke up with a headache and sore eyes, he got some medicine, washed his eyes, and went to look at the letters again. This time, he saw the number on the back of Junmyeon's, and sighed. He'd just taken all excuses away. Which, really, Minseok didn't need any more. He took a deep breath, picked up his phone, and dialed.

"Hello?"

He'd half hoped Junmyeon would be too busy, but no. "Hi. Junmyeon?"

"Minseok!" Junmyeon practically shouted. "It's been forever!"

"Yeah, sorry about that," Minseok said. "I'm... I got your notes. Thank you."

"Good, I'm glad. We miss you. I..." Junmyeon hesitated. "Is there any way we can meet? I know the others want to see you, too, but I don't know if you want... I mean."

Minseok laughed. "Stop over thinking it," he said. "Yes. I'll meet you. Preferably just you for now, if we can manage."

"Easily. Where and when?"

It didn't take long to get that all sorted out, and when Minseok hung up, he was shaking. He set his phone down and sat there for a moment, then picked it up again and sent YongGuk a text. _Meeting with Junmyeon tonight. I'll call you tomorrow._

Then, still frazzled and shaky and more nervous than he should be, he went back to work until he had to get ready to go and meet his friend. Leader. Whatever he was now.

 

Minseok got there early, more nervous than he had ever been, and considering how close he'd come to throwing up during the singing competition that had gotten him into SM Entertainment, that was something. He found himself a place in the back of the cafe, wedged himself into the chair, and relaxed some, waiting for Junmyeon to show up. He caught sight of Junmyeon when he came in and half lifted an arm that he apparently didn't need. Junmyeon headed straight for him, pulled him to his feet, and hugged him. "You look good," he said, stepping back and letting Minseok go. "I'm... thank you for meeting me."

Minseok nodded, not sure how to deal with the formality, but sure he'd done it, brought it on himself. Then he pulled himself together and bowed to Junmyeon. "Thank you for meeting me," he said.

Junmyeon's expression brightened a little as they sat down across from each other. "We hoped... I mean, we've missed you," he said. "All of us. We weren't sure if it was something we'd done--"

"No," Minseok said, stopping him right there. "It was nothing you'd done. It was... a decision I made that may not have been the best one, but it was done and I am sorry."

"To not contact us?" Junmyeon asked. "Can I ask... why did you make it?"

Minseok sighed. He'd known it would come up, but he wasn't expecting it to come up so soon. Still, better early than late, so he wasn't agonizing over it. "I... There was an accident while I was serving," he said. "I stepped on a land mine that was supposed to be a dud, and it wasn't."

Junmyeon's eyes widened. "It wasn't?" he repeated.

Minseok smiled painfully. "No," he said. "I lived, obviously. I'm just short a foot. They don't have a... they haven't made a prosthesis that I can use to dance on."

Junmyeon stared at him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I really am. I...."

Minseok grinned. "That's part of why," he said, his smile failing. "I really don't know what to do so you don't feel all embarrassed about it."

Junmyeon nodded. "I guess that makes sense," he said. "What are you doing now?"

Minseok shrugged. "I'm an accountant, of all things," he said. "It's not too bad, and the people I work with are okay. None of them know who I was, which is how I like it, honestly."

"Why?"

"Less painful," Minseok said plainly. "It's hard to deal with, it's been... a rough road back, honestly," he added. "I had a wake up around the time you all sent your messages. I couldn't avoid it anymore."

"Did you want to?"

"It's easier," Minseok said. "It was easier. It's just... I can't avoid that part of my life forever, and I decided I’d rather see you now than wait any longer. Not to mention it's not fair to you guys."

Junmyeon smiled. "I'm glad you called, but if it's something you need to not face yet, I don't want to... I don't want you to feel like you've been rushed."

"I'm not," Minseok said. "I'm ready for this. I really am. I need to do this."

Junmyeon hesitated, and nodded. "I hope you are. I'm worried about you."

"It's because you're supposed to be," Minseok said. "It's nothing you can do about it. I guess it doesn't just stop even if the group isn't together anymore."

Junmyeon laughed softly. "Maybe so," he said. "It's sort of second nature now."

"The question is when we meet with the rest of them," Minseok stated.

Junmyeon's smile brightened. "That's easy enough." It took them hardly any time to work out, and then they settled down for a chance to really catch up.

When Minseok got home after that, he sat down and relaxed and thought for a moment. Then he pulled out his phone and turned the sound on. Before he could decide even that he wanted to contact YongGuk, he noticed that YongGuk had sent him a text. _How did it go?_

With a sigh, Minseok grinned and typed out an answer. _It went well. I had a good time._

He hadn't even set his phone down when it rang. He wasn't surprised to see who it was, either. "Hey, YongGuk," he said.

"How are you feeling?" YongGuk asked.

"Not bad," Minseok said. "I have... I mean, we set up a time to meet with the others. And I'm looking forward to it. That surprises me."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure. Because I was certain it would be such a huge problem, I guess. I thought I'd get in my own way."

YongGuk laughed. "I understand that," he said, and the laugh made Minseok's toes curl again. He stifled a sigh, trying to get his stomach and everything else to just stop reacting to his friend's voice like that. He needed to stop. Just stop.

"We’re meeting in a couple of days, and that will be... somewhat scary."

"You'll do fine," YongGuk said.

Minseok didn't know why he found that voice so soothing, but he did. "Thank you," he said.

He hung up after they'd talked for a while and sighed, then relaxed and lay his head down on the back of the couch. It was going to be a most interesting experience.

 

Minseok could hear them before he even opened the door, which didn't surprise him too much. Chanyeol and Sehun in the same room was always a bad idea, and from the noise, that hadn’t changed much. He took a deep breath and walked into the restaurant. They'd rented it out, so no one else was there to disturb them. Which, Minseok considered, was probably good because it meant they wouldn't disturb anyone else, either.

"Minseokie!" someone yelled, he thought it might have been JongDae, and then they were all around him, talking to him, at him, and hugging him. He hugged them back as much as he could, answering what he could and trying to make sure he didn't leave anyone out.

After a relatively short time, it became quite obvious that something was going wrong. He hadn't heard anything from Chanyeol in some time when he turned and looked around to find him. He nearly jumped when he realized Chanyeol stood right next to him, less than half an arm’s length away. The others fell quiet, watching. "Is something wrong?" Minseok asked, looking up at the giant next to him.

"I've been standing on your foot for about five minutes," Chanyeol said. "You haven't noticed?"

Minseok sighed. "No," he said. "That's part of why I haven't been around. It's... let's sit down. I'd like to explain."

It took a remarkably short amount of time to manage that, something he wouldn't have expected any other time. He sat down as well, hiding his shaking hands in his lap. He explained the accident in almost the same words as he’d used with Junmyeon. In the resulting silence, he reached down and pulled up his pants leg to show them where the prosthesis connected to his leg. They all leaned forward to see better, eyes wide.

They all stared at him, shock written all over their faces. "I didn't say anything earlier," he went on in the eerie silence, "because I had no idea how to say anything, or... how to react." He shrugged. "I decided recently that I'd rather have you guys in my life, awkward or not, than be alone because I was worried about it being awkward."

"We couldn't tell," Baekhyun stammered. "It... you didn't look any different."

"That's good," Minseok said, cheered. "I'm glad to hear that."

That broke the frozen shock, and they peppered him with questions again, until an outraged shout brought them all to a halt again. "You knew?" Kyungsu demanded from Junmyeon.

Junmyeon looked unperturbed by the outburst. "Only because we met before I set this up. He opted to tell me, and I felt it important for him to be able to tell you."

Kyungsu sighed gustily. "Okay, I guess, but still."

Junmyeon patted his shoulder. "I understand," he said.

Minseok smiled and turned back to Yixing's quiet question, answering it just as quietly.

By the end of the night, he felt... fragile, but not the kind of fragile that would make him shatter. It was the kind of relief that made him collapse into his bed and sleep deeper than he had in long enough that he couldn’t remember the last time.

 

"It was weird," Minseok said, leaning back on his couch, watching YongGuk from under his lashes. "I'm glad I went. I've already had more texts today than I’ve had since I got my discharge papers."

YongGuk laughed. "It helps to have them from 9 people instead of just one."

"Yeah, well...." Minseok shrugged. "I don't know. I just... it feels like too much, like... I don't know, like I don't deserve it."

"Why wouldn't you deserve it?" YongGuk asked.

Minseok laughed. "It doesn't make sense, I'll be the first to admit it or even point it out. It just... I don't know. It's weird, being part of them again, when I wasn't sure I ever would be. When not too long ago, I didn't want to be, even." He sat up. "It's your fault," he accused YongGuk. "Just so you know."

"I'll gladly take responsibility for it," YongGuk told him, and grinned.

Minseok grinned back. "I don't know about gladly," he said.

"Oh, no, gladly is definitely it." YongGuk took a deep breath and leaned forward. "You falling asleep?"

"No." Minseok sat up. "Just... relaxed. I don't think I realized how much the whole thing stressed me out." He leaned forward as well. "How are things going with you? Now that I've gotten my head on straight, I guess it's your turn?"

YongGuk laughed, and Minseok's toes curled again. At least it was just his laugh. "I don't know," he said. "I've been... doing some thinking for a while, now, and it's just... been nice to have you around. It's nice to have a friend to rely on."

"Yes," Minseok said. "I'm really glad we met in the metro last year."

YongGuk sobered. "You know I was watching for you, don't you?" he asked.

"You told me you were," Minseok said.

YongGuk shook his head. "I mean... before. That's why I was there. That's why I knew where you were. I'd been watching for months to try to find you."

Minseok blinked, stunned. "You were?" he stammered. "Why?"

"Because... of our friendship," YongGuk said. "And because of what you said to me, after the Dream Concert before you went into the military."

"What I said?" Minseok asked, and then realized what he meant. He'd finally gotten brave enough to hint at how he felt to YongGuk, and had managed it that night, the one time they might actually see each other for more than two minutes. He hadn't been too specific, but then, YongGuk was not stupid and could put two and two together and get the idea. "Oh," he said. "That."

YongGuk smiled. "Yes, that," he said. "I let you down as easily as I could, because I just couldn't see how it would work. I wasn't able to see... well, anything, I guess. And having the proof that it can work in front of my eyes was... like having my face slapped. Continually."

"Himchan and YoungJae?" Minseok asked.

YongGuk nodded.

"That’s different," Minseok said. "I mean, there isn't the distance."

"Not the physical distance," YongGuk said. "But there is a distance. They can't let anyone know. They can't... not many people would have seen what you did, not many would have recognized it, and they wouldn't have been so careless in some ways. The temptation wouldn't be there, but we would have had to deal with the distance." YongGuk shrugged. "I regretted saying no before I heard about you guys dissolving.

Minseok shrugged. "Yours was a valid concern," he said. "I didn't think it through enough."

"Yes you did," YongGuk said. "I could tell. You know what it would entail. You guys are friends with SungMin, and he kept it quiet that he was close enough to someone to marry her. You had to have some idea what it would take to have a relationship."

Minseok shook his head. "We were as surprised as the rest of you," he said. "I didn't know how he did it. I just knew it was possible. And I wanted that."

"You wanted it?" YongGuk asked. "You still think it's your destiny to be alone?"

"I don't know. It's too much to think about. And I don't... well, I guess I have no idea."

YongGuk laughed softly, making the butterflies in Minseok's stomach go crazy. "You're not sure of me."

"Actually, the fact that you turned me down meant you wouldn't string me along if we did decide to go into a relationship. We both know it's a lot of work."

YongGuk gave him an exasperated look. "I think you just complimented me for turning you down."

"People trust you to be true to yourself, as much as you can in your chosen profession," Minseok said easily. "That includes relationships. You wouldn't have said no if you wanted one."

"What if I said I wanted one now?" YongGuk said.

Minseok stared at him, not quite sure he'd said the words Minseok had heard. "You... want one now?" he repeated.

"With you," YongGuk elaborated.

Minseok tried to get that to make sense. "With me?"

YongGuk smiled, his wide gummy smile that made Minseok smile in return, even though he knew his confusion was obvious. "Yes. Is that so hard to understand?"

"But I'm not...."

"Not?" YongGuk asked when he didn’t go on.

"It's going to be hard," Minseok said, scrambling to put his thoughts in order. "I mean, look at what you've done for me the past year. Hopefully it won't be like that in the future, but I have no idea."

YongGuk shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he said. "I'd like to try anyway. I’ve regretted missing out for too long to give up now."

Minseok shook his head, not to indicate no, but because he still didn't believe they were having this conversation. "I would never have dreamed," he said finally. "I'd... I'd like to try it, if you're serious. You know I've loved you for a long time. I won't stop because you decide I'm not for you. Love changes, becomes what we need."

YongGuk moved around the coffee table between them to sit next to Minseok. "You are the most amazing person I've ever met," he said, and kissed him when Minseok started to protest.

That ended the conversation, and Minseok let his doubts go in favor of kissing his new boyfriend.

 

The winter remained bad, but Minseok didn't care. He got around as much as he could, stayed in when he wanted to, and worked hard at his job no matter where he did his work. He doubted anyone at work noticed that he felt happier, although he got a couple of teasing texts from members of EXO about how he seemed to walk on clouds instead of snow, when he got out to meet them.

It was good enough for him. He didn't need more than that. When the weather eased up again, letting the traffic run, he moved to a place closer in town, easier to reach work, not so long a ride for YongGuk to come and see him. Not so incidentally, he wound up closer to the rest of EXO as well.

He didn't go back to TSE, although he managed to watch more of the music shows and whatever else he could see his boyfriend on. He heard from others besides EXO, getting back in touch with his friends from SM. His life filled up again, no long quite so empty. He still didn't know what he wanted to do career-wise, but he knew it would happen eventually. And if not, well... that would be okay, too. He could manage. His work was just work, he didn’t love it, but it was enough that he could get through the day. He didn't hate it and he could enjoy his nights, whether at home alone, out with friends, or spending time with YongGuk, wherever that happened. He didn't feel like he needed more. He wouldn't mind having a job he loved, but this one worked. 

 

He got a phone call from a number he didn't expect one evening, and he stared for a minute at the caller ID before answering. "Hello?" What would SHINee's Taemin want with him?

"Minseok?"

"Yes," he said, still sort of reeling over the whole thing.

"Do you have some time to meet with me?"

Minseok stared at the wall blankly. "Sure. When?"

"This evening would be great, if you can."

"I can. Where?"

This brought a quiet pause, or not so quiet because he could hear Key and Minho arguing about... something he probably didn't want to know about in the background. "Actually, would you mind coming to SM?"

That surprised him more than he'd expected, although as he thought about it, that made more sense than anything else. "I... sure. I can be there in about an hour, I think."

"I'll be at the front desk," Taemin said. "Thanks." He hung up abruptly.

Minseok mused over this weird request as he got his jacket and shoes on, and headed out to the metro stop. Why did Taemin, of all people, need Minseok? Especially since he could just ask Jongin for help on anything he needed. Taemin had probably gotten Minseok’s number from Jongin. It wouldn't kill him (he hoped) to go in and see what he wanted.

It felt weird to walk into SM, to get a visitor's badge, to sign in with Taemin standing next to him, although not impatient. He looked more like Minseok remembered him, if older and more assured, and not like he'd imagined when Taemin had called and sounded like the guy he'd seen as a trainee.

"Is everything okay?" Minseok asked as they waited for the elevator.

"Yes," Taemin said. "It's all good. We're really busy right now, and I'm sort of... AWOL, even if Jinki knows I'm gone."

Minseok mused on that as the elevator took them up. So, all of the group was involved? Interesting. He had no idea what that might mean.

Taemin led him to a small conference room and ushered him to a seat. As soon as Minseok sat down, he sat down across from him. "I have a problem," he said.

Minseok stared at him. "What sort of problem?" he asked.

"One I can't do anything about," Taemin said.

"You think I can?" Minseok asked.

"Yes," Taemin said. "A new trainee here is just not getting the choreography. He's got this voice, though, and so they don't want to let him go. He's working hard, but he's not getting it."

Minseok stared at him. "I don't think I can help," he said. "I don't dance anymore."

Taemin shook his head. "It's not that. I mean... It's just that I can't help him anymore, we're too busy, and there isn't anyone else."

"None of the other trainees?" That sounded weird. "What about Jongin?"

Taemin grimaced. "I asked him. He said he's going on vacation with his parents and is having a heck of a time getting ready."

Minseok rolled his eyes. "I can imagine," he said dryly. "I don't think I can help."

"He said you'd be able to." Taemin hesitated. "Why don't you dance anymore?"

He had picked up on that. Minseok grimaced. "I lost my foot in a training exercise," he said. "I don't have a prosthesis that will let me dance."

Taemin stared at him. "You lost... oh." He looked uncertain for a moment, and Minseok let him work it out. When he rallied, though, he looked even more determined. "I think you'll be able to help anyway. Especially if you can walk him through it, even verbally. The choreographer doesn't have the time to do it, and if you could, even for an extra hour or two, I think it'll help."

Minseok stared at him, surprised that he hadn't come up with some excuse to back out of the request. "Why?" he asked bluntly.

"Because he needs it," Taemin said. "I trust you, and Jinki and the others trust you. And, to be honest, you probably won't intimidate the hell out of him. I don't, though I have no idea why."

Because of the baby face, probably, Minseok thought, and shrugged. "I'll give it a shot," he said. "It's the least I can do."

Taemin smiled, and Minseok was again reminded why girls (and boys) tended to throw themselves at his feet. "Thank you," he said. "When's the best time for you?"

"Evenings," Minseok said. "I work days. My schedule is sort of sporadic, though. I'm seeing someone."

Taemin nodded, eyes narrowed. "You could bring her," he said.

Minseok shook his head, amused. "That's not a good idea," he said, opting not to correct him. "Rival company."

"Oh. Yeah, probably not." Taemin grinned. "Seeing someone definitely makes your schedule sporadic. Can I introduce you to the trainee now?"

Minseok shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

He got up and followed Taemin back to the elevator and up a couple more floors to where he could hear the cacophony of the trainees, some dancing, singing, and a few, it sounded like, working on their Korean, three different accents marring the language. It nearly made him homesick.

Instead of stopping and sobbing, he stumped after Taemin, noting the awed and then the curious stares that followed them - awed for Taemin, and curious for him. They stopped at one of the doors and Taemin walked in.

Minseok paused in the doorway to observe, and winced. This kid was bad, no question. His voice must be pretty amazing. Still, the fact that he kept trying said a lot about him. He could see why Taemin wanted to help, aside from his generally helpful nature that somehow the competition for debut hadn't knocked out of him.

“Minseok, this is Lee MinJae. MinJae, this is Kim Minseok. I've asked him to help you with the choreography."

The trainee turned to look at him and nodded doubtfully. Minseok grinned at him. "You doubt my experience?" he asked. MinJae nodded. "Good. I can't even show you right now, either. As a reference, though, I used to be with EXO."

MinJae glanced at Taemin, who nodded. "He was, and would still be if they were together," he said.

"No, not true," Minseok said. "I'm currently unable to dance, but I think I can coach you pretty well - or at least he does." He gestured at Taemin. "It looks like you're willing to work, and that's half the battle right there. How about you give me your schedule, and I'll see when we can get together."

MinJae nodded."I just need your email, if that works."

"It works great," Minseok said, and pulled out one of his cards. He wrote his personal email on the back and handed it over. "I'll get back to you as soon as I can. It won't be too much, I hope, but I think it'll help. Especially since you are working hard and trying to get better."

"I'm just clumsy," the trainee said.

"Oh, no, we can't have that," Minseok teased. "SM is known for it, thanks to his leader." He jerked a thumb at Taemin. "It's almost expected by now, and you don't want to deal with comparisons."

Minjae’s eyes widened.

"It's not that bad," Taemin said, smacking Minseok on the shoulder. "You'll do fine, just because Jinki is doing fine. It'll work out."

"Exactly what I meant," Minseok said. "I know you don't have much time, so I'll let you go. As soon as you get a chance to email me, we can get working on it."

"Thank you," MinJae said, and bowed.

"Thank you," Minseok said. "It'll be fun." He hoped, he didn't say, as MinJae bowed to Taemin as well and the two of them left. "I hope you know what you're doing," he muttered at Taemin.

Taemin grinned at him, a mock arrogance that hinted of too much time around HeeChul. "Of course I do."

"You never have before, why should you start now?" Minseok asked.

Taemin laughed.

"I know Jinki knows you're doing this," Minseok said in the elevator. "But what about higher ups? Do they know you're doing this?"

"No," Taemin said. "Not yet. I plan to tell them, though."

"When?"

Taemin grinned as the door opened and Minseok got off. "When he's doing tons better and they can't deny that you were the reason," he said as the door closed.

Minseok turned to stare at him, catching sight of his smirk before the doors closed completely. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," he muttered under his breath, and went to sign back out and leave. Yes, too much time around HeeChul.

On the metro again, he called Jongin. "I hear you're going on vacation," he said.

"Yes," Jongin said, with that familiar mix of stress and excitement. "Taemin called you?"

"I'm on my way home now," Minseok said. "Are you really going on vacation?"

"Jongin, you have to finish packing before you go to bed tonight," Minseok heard over the phone, muted and from some distance.

"Yes, I'm sure," Jongin said. "Have fun, and if I don't get this done, my mother will kill me. You thought Junmyeon was bad, but my mother is worse."

"Ouch," Minseok teased.

"Yeah," Jongin said. "Later." He hung up.

Minseok sighed and started to put his phone away, and then hesitated and sent YongGuk a text. _Went to SM today. Didn't have a breakdown. Yet._

Then he did tuck the phone away and leaned his head against the glass window. He had to be utterly insane to do this, but maybe it would work out okay. Maybe it wouldn't kill him to do this. If it did, well, he would just have to stop and have the kid work with someone else. Anyone else. He could do it. Saying no wouldn't hurt anyone. He couldn't be the only person Taemin could ask.

"That was a surprising text," YongGuk said the next morning in a hurried phone call. "What did you go for?"

"Taemin asked me," Minseok said. "I couldn't exactly turn him down."

YongGuk laughed. "Maybe," he said. "Just... be careful."

"I am," Minseok said. "If it gets too bad, remind me that I said it's okay for me to say no."

YongGuk chuckled. "I'll remind you," he said. "I'll see you tonight."

THAT made Minseok's toes curl. On both feet. "I'll see you then," he said, and they hung up.

It was nice, to be honest, to have someone willing to watch his back. He thought he might actually make it through this whole mess. And even in one piece.

It wasn't even lunch before he got the email from MinJae, and he printed it out as soon as he got home. He also sent YongGuk a text to bring his schedule, and that night they both went over the two schedules to figure out the best time for him to go over to work. He send the email responding to the trainee, and then settled on the couch for some quality time with his boyfriend.

He enjoyed the chance to sit and relax, to cuddle with a man who's voice made his toes curl. They talked about a lot of different things, none of it business, just about... lives. How things went.

It wasn't anything huge, but it meant so much.

 

Going to SME was easier to deal with the second time. He went to the training room alone, his badge making him nearly invisible. This time, MinJae smiled at him when he came in. "I have what you asked for," he said, and handed over a tablet.

Minseok watched the practice video the choreographer had prepared, watched it again, and then set it aside. "Okay. Start at the beginning."

The music started, not too loud, and the young man started to dance. Minseok watched him, careful not to frown as he didn't even quite make it through the first four measures. "Stop," Minseok said, and stepped onto the floor. "Let's go slow."

It took longer than he expected, but at least by the end of the two hours, MinJae had a good start on it, and looked excited even to keep going. "Thank you," he said. "I really appreciate it."

"I'm glad to help," Minseok said, and got to his feet. "I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Until then," MinJae said.

Minseok nodded and walked out. He paused halfway to the elevator and closed his eyes to listen. It brought up so many memories, listening to Yixing and Luhan and Tao learning Korean, and his own studies with JongDae to learn Mandarin. He smiled, opened his eyes, and went on, listening to the familiar noise of people working hard to get where they wanted to be.

It felt good to be back.

Life settled into accounting, time with YongGuk, and time back at SM. It quickly became obvious he was making a difference. MinJae improved by leaps and bounds, his confidence going up as well as he grasped the ideas behind all the steps.

Minseok found his own confidence growing, in all sorts of way he hadn't expected. So when Taemin invited him to dinner and presented him with a chance to start working with the trainees permanently, Minseok didn't say no immediately. "You don't have to answer now," Taemin said at his hesitation. "I know you’ve got a job. I just wanted you to know. You have done a lot of good for MinJae, and the company wants to bring in someone who can help those who are struggling."

"It's really helping?" Minseok asked.

"Yeah," Taemin said. "I could see it in just the week between the time you started and I got to see him again. He looked so much happier, it was just amazing. It really has helped him."

Minseok smiled. "Enough, I guess, that they want me to keep doing it."

"And pay you for it," Taemin said. "Not too bad. Think about it."

"I will," Minseok said. "Thank so much for this."

Taemin grinned at him.

 

"Are you going to take it?" YongGuk asked the next night at dinner, when Minseok told him about the offer.

"I think so," Minseok said. "I mean, it's nice to have time to myself, but I think this will make me a lot happier."

"You can be happier?" YongGuk teased, and Minseok grinned at him.

"Not in general, but definitely in my work life," Minseok said. "I’m a little worried about what the schedule would be like, and how that would impact our relationship."

"We'll work around it," YongGuk said, and squeezed him. "You don't have to worry about me. I know how hard it'll be to do anything at all, and you know how hard it is to date someone who's an idol. Besides, it sounds like you found yourself a new dream."

Minseok thought about that, then smiled so wide he could feel it stretch his face. "You’re right," he said, stretched up, and kissed him. "I'll take it. I'll let you know as soon as I get my schedule."

YongGuk grinned. "That sounds good," he said, and kissed Minseok again, so thoroughly that the toes on both his feet curled in delight.


End file.
